Today marks ONE year since I first posted about why peeps were evil and asked you to send me your traumatic yet humorous tales. It’s only fitting that the reigning Queens of Trauma Llama Cat and Lynx Raven stopped by to help me celebrate. They’ve sent in their greatest hits! Just in case you’ve been under a rock for the past year, here’s their contact info: blog | Twitter | facebook | Here is their blog.


Before we get to the trauma greatest hits, check out their book Bad Romance. Here’s the blurb:

Bad_Romance-150

Three disturbing stories about the dangers of falling in love – an incompetent Cupid prepares for Valentine’s Day, but his arrows melt faces, not hearts; a man’s art exhibition conceals a macabre secret; and a betrayed bride makes unfaithful lovers regret their vow of ’til death us do part’. All their victims are bound by an unsettling truth – too much love can kill you.

Grab it here.


 

576650_533590790016535_282481702_nC L Raven are identical twins from Cardiff, Wales. When they’re not spending their days looking after their animal army, they’re exploring castles, ghost hunting in spooky locations and drinking more Red Bull than the recommended government guidelines. Along with Ryan Ashcroft, they make up the ghost hunting trio, Cardiff’s Answer to Supernatural and have their own show on YouTube – Calamityville Horror.


Here is the lovely ladies’ greatest hits:

Seeing as today celebrates a whole year of Trauma Llama, and as anniversaries tend to lend themselves to ‘best of’ moments, we thought we’d share some of our best/worst moments.

A few years ago, we were persuaded by our psychologist to attend some poetry readings, with a view of performing. The first venue was the Chapter Arts Centre, which shows indie films and hosts poetry performances. We should have known to walk away when they didn’t sell Smirnoff Ice or Red Bull. Grumbling to ourselves, we ordered orange juice. The barmaid was shaking the bottles, so to be helpful Cat picked one up and shook it. Not realising the barmaid had loosened the lid. The orange juice went everywhere. All over Cat and all over the floor. Luckily Cat was wearing all PVC, so she wiped down easily. But it was not how we wanted our first visit to go.

One moment that will forever stay with us happened when we were kids. We used to go horse riding every week in a class of about ten. Halfway through the lesson, most of the riders would wait in the centre of the ring and either do exercises on the ponies, or groom them while the more experienced took turns working with trotting poles. Whilst stationed in the middle, Lynx started to feel really unwell and thought she was about to pass out. That would have been less embarrassing. Instead, during one of the exercises, she threw up. In front of everyone. Fortunately, she managed to miss the pony she was on.

Another incident involves our cute hot pink Smart car. We needed a new stereo and wanted one with a double tape deck, as one of our Renault 4s has a tape deck. Argos only had one. It listed it as a micro system, which we thought meant it was small. So we did a week’s worth of shopping in Tesco then headed to Argos for the stereo and some weights for our weight bench. They brought the box out and our shoulders slumped. The box was almost as big as our car. So much for ‘micro’. We took it out to the car park and stared in dismay at the car full of shopping bags. So we phoned our uncle for assistance, but his friend was coming over so he couldn’t help. He suggested we take the stereo out of the box and fit it in around the shopping.  Cue us hacking open the box in the car park with our car keysand unpacking it in full view of other customers. We then unloaded all our shopping and put the stereo, subwoofer and 2 speakers into the Smart. Then we had to fit the shopping back in, with the weights. And the box. And us. Think of the sketch with an army of clowns in a tiny car. By the time we got home, our uncle had told our entire family.

Then there’s this tale. We have a 4 year old niece. We nicknamed her Grumblebum, because she always cried when she was with us. Our sister couldn’t afford to give up work, so child care duties were forced upon us. Yes, even after the disasters we caused when working in our mum’s school, our sister still left her baby with us. She had no choice. Bear in mind, we continuously put Grumblebum’s nappies on backwards, despite there being pictures on the front. We would also forget to take her snack to the park yet always remembered our chocolate biscuits and Red Bull. When she was 18 months old, we’d reached the corner of our street and she said “dummy.” We’d forgotten her dummy. Our only experience with babies was avoiding other people’s. Yet she was left with us for 5 hours every Wednesday.

When Grumblebum was about 2, Cat was bouncing her on our 10ft diameter trampoline. It’s about three and a half feet off the ground and has a safety net, but Cat forgot to zip the door shut. Luckily our niece was well padded in a winter suit. We imagine some of you are now turning away in horror, guessing what happened. We used to chase her around the trampoline then bounce hard on it, launching her up. She loved it. Except…she happened to be by the open door. Parents, stop reading now. Cat jumped. And bounced her straight out the door. She somersaulted and landed smack on her back on the grass, narrowly missing a concrete slab of the summer house. And she didn’t move. Cat leapt to her rescue and after a few seconds, the stunned Grumblebum started to cry. She was fine. Not even a scratch. Needless to say, we’ve avoided the trampoline since then. Just don’t tell social services. They take a dim view of bouncing children off trampolines.

Do you have a Trauma Llama story you’d like to share? Prod me on Twitter (@AnyaBreton) or e-mail me anya at anyabreton.com 🙂