Crazy/Awkward Interview – Lacey Dearie (@LaceyDearie)
Today Lacey Dearie stopped by for a crazy/awkward interview. Omelette On The Rampage: An Alternative Horror Story, check out the blurb:
After reading this alternative horror story, you will never look at breakfast the same way again!
Conjoined bacon twins, Tudor and Windsor are trapped in the fridge, subjected to dark, cramped, claustrophobic conditions. When they finally get their chance to leave, it seems there is a murderous omelette named Edgar on the loose. Thousands of puffed rice nuggets have already perished and he will not stop there.
Can Tudor and Windsor thwart his plan to kill anyone who stands in his way? Can Tudor seduce the delectable white pudding with the juicy currants or will he submit to the charms of his Lorne sausage companion? Will the friendship they enjoy with their fellow foods survive the test of being cooked?
Awkward, weird and probably the most disturbing tale you will ever read about breakfast foods, Omelette On The Rampage will completely change the way you feel about the food on your plate.
Check out Lacey’s:
Crazy/Awkward Interview with Lacey Dearie
*gestures at the empty seat beside her* Hey, Lacey! Er, one second *flicks egg shells off her shirt* Okay, better. Want a piece of fancy chocolate or cheese? *eyes carefully to see which is picked*
Hi Anya! Ooh, food *salivates* You know that chocolate looks too fancy, so I’ll take the cheese. And I’ll put the pretty chocolate in a nice velvet box and worship it.
So breakfast foods. And horror. Is there a childhood trauma somewhere in there?
There’s a trauma, definitely! When I was twenty five I was diagnosed with an egg allergy after eating eggs all my life and being fine. So I did the worst thing I could possibly have done and cut all egg products out of my diet. Now I’m hypersensitive and have to carry adrenaline pens everywhere with me in case I accidentally inhale meringue vapours or shake hands with someone who has just eaten a sandwich with mayonnaise and still has it on their fingers. You know how some people are with nuts? That’s me with eggs. My daily life isn’t easy, certainly, but I wanted to turn it into something positive.
Whoa! That’s heavy. I can certainly see the egg aversion now, that leads me into my next question:
Q: What is it about eggs that make the perfect villain?
A: I think it’s the fact that they spend so much time in those little shells. They’re hidden and you never know what you’re going to get until it finally cracks. And you can have a great egg or a psycho who is going to brutally murder thousands of rice crispies.
Q: A brood of chickens moves into your garden and imprints you as their mother goddess. What is their goddess name for you? What do they squawk in the middle of the night beneath your window? And how would you use your devoted brood for good (or evil)?
A: Her Serene Highness, Lacey, Queen of the Chicken People, Empress of the Egg Folk and Goddess of the Edible Ova. They would be warned not to squawk or they would be beheaded and I would use them to peck unwanted intruders to a slow death. I would, of course, have all the cockerels castrated so the hens don’t lay any eggs. I’d have a capon army, ready to defend my mini kingdom at a second’s notice. Not that I’ve given this any thought.
Q: How do you feel about Silkie Bantams?
A: Cute, but where are their eyes?!? I think they’re hiding something.
Q: Fill in the blank: The one food I wouldn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and find staring at me is ___________.
A: Pizza The Hut from Spaceballs. Eww.
Q: Runny or firm?
A: Are we still talking about eggs? I was always a firm kind of girl. If we’re talking chocolate or cheese again, it has to be runny. *makes obscene pleasure noises*
Q: You have to replace a limb with a kitchen utensil. What limb would you replace and what would you replace it with? Bonus points for telling us how you’d use your new limb to fight crime.
A: I’d replace an arm with a giant pastry brush. I’ve always fancied being a painter but sadly my talent is lacking. If I had a giant pastry brush arm I think I could give that painting thing another shot. To fight crime it would also come in handy because I could use it to tickle villains under their noses (or more delicate places) and distract them from their dirty deeds.
Q: The kitchen is a disaster! You hope that a) an alien-robot hybrid is to blame and can be programmed to clean it up b) a raccoon got in the house and burrowed into the cabinet c) the hunky pool boy fell on his way to wash up and needs your “assistance” getting to his feet d) all of the above.
A: If I wasn’t happily married I’d say C. Oh whatever, I’m still going to say C!
Q: What is the sexiest thing to do in the kitchen?
A: Have sex. Why not?
Q: Fill in the blank: If I could turn anything into a sandwich, I’d want it to be _________________.
A: I actually turn the weirdest things into sandwiches anyway. Have you ever tried a curried instant noodle sandwich? Mmmm.
LOL! Good luck with your capon army and pastry brush arm 😉
What grade do we give Lacey for her crazy/awkward answers? Comment with your letter grade below!
Got a question you’d like to ask her or one you want to see on the next crazy/awkward interview? Comment!