chats-with-mg

It’s been a slow few months for Chats with my guy (MG). Here’s the recap of the ones I’ve posted on Facebook this year.

January 7

So MG decided to count the change in my chicken-shaped piggy bank. He shoved his finger up into the hole to get change to fall out.

Me: Are you fingering that chicken?
MG: *laughs*
Me: You are! You’re repeatedly sticking your finger in that chicken’s undercarriage, making things rain down.
MG: Yes, I am. Blame it on the rain.
Me: Seriously?
MG: *stares*
Me: Do you even know who you just quoted?
MG: No.
Me: Milli Vanilli
MG: *looks blank*
Me: Never mind.
MG: *tips bank over*
Me: *gets out camera*
MG: *vigorously shakes…change simply falls out*
Me: *busts out* You didn’t even have to finger that chicken!
MG: *turns bright red as he laughs* I guess not.

January 22

After he’s been sick for a week:

Me: oh btw, I’m still relatively healthy *knocks on wood again*
MG: stupid braggart human
Me: Haha!

January 31

Me: *walks into the living room, checks the TV, and sees MG is watching the documentary on Minecraft the nerd horde demanded he view* So, how is it?
MG: *glances up from laptop without lifting his fingers from the trackpad* Not that great.
Me: Oh that sucks. What game are you playing?
MG: *looks up sheepishly* I’m actually playing Minecraft.
Me: *busts out*
MG: Everyone kept giving me crap for not trying it!

February 1

MG: I need a new toothbrush.
Me: I kind of do, too. I’m just using the cheap freebie one the dentist gave me.
MG: Yeah, I can’t use those because I need *firm*. I’m a *firm* kind of guy.
Me: *shakes her head*
MG: I just need a band saw.
Me: *stares*
MG: er, I mean a belt sander.
Me: *cracks up*

February 1

MG: These are the times that make men impatient.
Me: *stares*
MG: Or whatever Churchill said.
Me: Um, I suspect Churchill was talking about something far more annoying than sitting at a red light for 45 seconds.
MG: So you mean the Battle of Britain was worse? All they had to do was wait around to get bombed.
Me: And to think you could have, too, if you’d had a bottle of J.D. with you.

[For the record, the quote is “These are the times that try men’s souls.” and Thomas Paine wrote it. But I had to look that up after the fact]

February 10

Me: When do you want to head out to dinner?
MG: When do you think the mall will be busy?
Me: *growls* Why do I always have to be the one with the answers?
MG: Fine. We’ll go at 5. I have decreed it. It’s been set in stone.
Me: In stone…really.
MG: Yes, I have a guy in Des Moines whose sole job is to chisel my decrees in stone.

February 10

Me: Okay, I’m making a prediction. *relays a work-related prediction*
MG: Okay, I’ll record the prediction.
Me: No. Call your Des Moines guy.
MG: *laughs* Except I didn’t decree that. That’s abusing the Chisler. Get your own tablet maker.
Me: He can’t be called the Chisler unless he has a theme song like the Waffler.

March 6

(About if my health problems are related to a lack of water)

MG: We know we can trust this guy’s advice. His name is “Dr. Axe”. *points to the picture*
Me: *looks* *notes Dr. Axe looks like a fraternity boy*
MG: I assume that’s Axe as in Axe body spray.
Me: *busts out*

March 6

(while he’s still looking up medical stuff)

MG: Dr. Axe says oregano oil is good. He says oregano oil benefits are superior to prescription antibiotics
Me: You know how I feel about oregano.
MG: But it’s good for you. Dr. Axe says 1000 pounds of wild oregano is used to produce just 1 pound of oregano oil.
Me: One pound? That’s A LOT of oil.
MG: Not really. A gallon of milk is like two point two pounds.
Me: And if that pound of oil dropped on our carpet, we’d have to burn the place down. It’s the only way to get rid of it.
MG: But that would be a really good smelling fire. I’d be like “Where’s the Italian restaurant, motherfucker?”
Me: *shakes her head*
MG: I’m bored with Dr. Axe. I looked through like 9 pages and not once did he ax anyone.

July 17

Me (on walking): There were a few people out there jogging/running it. There was one woman with her tiny little dachshund. He made me feel like a slacker (she passed me going the other way). His little feet were practically flying
MG: hahaha those are tiny tiny dogs
Me: Exactly. And he was going faster than the chick…who was likely going faster than me…therefore, I was a slacker
MG: nah, you were majestic
Me: 😛

July 17

(after watching Top Chef Masters and hearing about Ophrah Winfrey’s personal chef.)

Me: Can you imagine having enough money to pay someone to make you world class food?
MG: *You* pay someone to make you world class food.
Me: Well, maybe…if we’re talking about the third world.
MG: Adira (his cat), I hate your master.
Me: *CACKLES* Well, I’d say second world, maybe. I can’t say first world because you haven’t grilled that pork loan with the cherries and apples lately.
MG: It’s called a roulade.
Me: Huh?
MG: A roulade, where you slice the roast and roll the cherries and apples into it. It’s French. And I haven’t made it lately because we’re at war.
Me: We are not at war.
MG: We have been ever since that mime…
Me: *stares*

July 27

Me: *bursts into song after a Huggies commercial* The first hug ever I hugged your–
MG: face.
Me: Hugged your face?
MG: Yes. I’m going to hug your face. I’m going to hug your face so hard.
Me: o_O

July 30

Me: I thought the galaxy gear was the watch, and that it was supposed to talk to a samsung phone, and that you said it would work with your phone after an update
MG: yeah it will work. But there are multiple models. The one I was going to get for $80 wouldn’t do what I’d want it for…which is to be all Dick Tracy cool
Me: That’s aiming a little low. I thought you wanted to be Chuck’s Dad cool [from the TV show Chuck]
MG: well that’s what I’d really want but they don’t make one with big enough screen
Me: LOL